Monday, 16 February 2015
The toad post
Money, I have little to spare.
Energy, there is never enough.
Ideas, plans and dreams, an ever growing, ever flowing list that keeps my notebook full and my head buzzing at night when I should be sleeping.
There is a huge imbalance here that needs to be addressed.
Often, when I hear people talk of how stressed or overwhelmed they feel, I catch myself thinking; "free yourself of it then. Do what you absolutely have to get done, then take a step back. You're the only obstacle standing in your way". How easy. How simple.
Isn't it funny how easy it is to identify solutions to other people's problems, but not so easy to recognise how to fix our own?
It's so much harder when you're in the thick of it though. You can't see the wood for the trees. To see the situation objectively you need to take a step back and view it the way an outsider would. And sometimes to do that, you have to abandon plans, admit that you were wrong and reassess.
The trouble is, that can look and feel a whole lot like failing or quitting. And who wants to be a failure who had to quit because they were wrong? I know I bloody don't.
And yet that is exactly where I am right now.
Last year, I really had my shit together. I had a plan and although progress was slow, I made consistent, 'warm, fuzzy feeling' inducing progress.
This year I have no idea what I'm doing if I'm being brutally honest. Not just shop wise, this continues to be my sanity saver. The thought of quitting the shop leaves me with a lump in my throat so I really don't want to do that. But I'll admit, it takes up so much of my time. So much.
And of course there's Alessi. My number one who just recently has moved up a gear mentally and physically. I've joked in the past that I found her hard to keep up with - what the hell was I complaining about? I can no longer work around her even in fits and starts. Before the sewing machine didn't really interest her and she would happily play with her toys or read books by herself for 20 minutes at a time.
That doesn't sound like much, but you'd be surprised what you can get done even with three of those opportunities a day. Now she wants to play with the sewing machine. "Spin the wheel Mummy!" and press the reverse sewing button as I'm stitching. Not ok. Even if she's not touching anything I can't sew with her around me because I'm too concerned about where she is in relation to the sewing machine, where her hands are and whether she's trying to pull out my fabrics again. We're definitely at the pushing boundaries stage now and "no" often means "yeah go for it - let's see what happens".
Perhaps I'm just feeling a little burnt out and need a break. Maybe (while I loathe this thought) I've just reached the end of what I can feasibly do with the shop and need to shelve it for a while *sobs*. Maybe I need to try something else or maybe I just need to run away and find that metaphorical circus.
Who knows. I don't really know where I'm going with this to be honest, it's more of a brain dump. This is one of those posts that I've written a hundred times, only to delete it all again ten minutes later. People I know read this blog, which makes me reluctant to hit publish.
But the need to empty my head of this crap keeps getting stronger. The more I try to push these thoughts down, the more they return to the forefront of my mind and squat there like a toad.
So you could say that this post is my way of taking that toad and lobbing the fat bastard as far away as possible.
I just hope he doesn't come back.